


A Turn of the Light

by misura



Category: Doctrine of Labyrinths - Sarah Monette
Genre: Love Confessions, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-11
Updated: 2015-12-11
Packaged: 2018-05-07 10:56:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5454131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Would not have thought it of thee," said I, once I had found my voice again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Turn of the Light

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Frostfire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostfire/gifts).



"Would not have thought it of thee," said I, once I had found my voice again.

Heard the chair, creaking softly; pictured Murtagh, shifting his weight. Found I could not imagine his expression uncertain nor even the least bit embarrassed. "Which would be why I'm telling you this."

We had conversed, not so long ago, of Isobel. He had assured me the marriage had been consummated - 'enthusiastically', I recalled to have been the term he had used. Was hard to reconcile that past conversation with his current one, harder still to keep from wondering, vainly, about Gerrard.

An I had spoken to him of my feelings, would have found him like Murtagh? Not drawn solely to women, but to women and men both? Felt close to sacrilege to think it.

"Is not why," said I. "Is only why I did not know already."

He laughed, softly, and I was grateful for the darkness of the room that hid my face. "Yes, I suppose you are right." Liked knowing I had made him laugh, that there was at least one person in the world to whom had not brought pain and death and bloodshed.

The silence stretched. Knew he only allowed it to do so, not wishing to offer an alternate explanation - knew, also, that between the two of us, his was the greater patience. Had always been thus, save, mayhaps, in battle, for an able commander knows the value of choosing his own moment of battle.

Was no battle here. "Then why now? Why sneak up to my bed, again, to tell me?"

"Would you rather I'd have brought it up in casual conversation - over breakfast, perhaps?"

Felt my lips twist at the idea. Imagined they hurt, as grown unaccustomed to smiling, had they ever been. "And now that you have told me, what wouldst you have of me?"

He breathed out, slowly. "Can you truly not guess?"

"My solemn word that I will not tell? Would not have thought it necessary." Stung, that he would mistrust me so, that he deemed it needful to ensure my silence.

"Kay," said he. "It is not words that I came to seek here, though they will serve you well enough if you would ask me to leave and return to my own bed as a deservedly whipped dog, my unworthy tail tucked between my legs."

The image was as ridiculous as it was unlikely. Startled a laugh out of me. Had never seen Murtagh back down from any challenge, big or small - and what challenge did I represent, anyway?

"Would not care to see thee whipped," said I. "Nor would judge any part of thee unworthy, be it real or merely imaginary."

"Honestly, I think I might agree to be whipped, if it were to restore your sight," said he, his tone light. "Only a little, mind, and it would, of course, depend on who was to hold the whip."

Did not know how to respond. Would never become the man I had once been, sighted or not, for that man had died with Gerrard Hume, and he would not be revived.

Was only a shadow left. "You should not joke of such things, though I thank you for the sentiment."

"I'm a sentimental man," said Murtagh. "It's one of my very few failings, along with modesty."

"Is so," I agreed. Mattered not if I kept a straight face.

He sighed. "You are not going to make this easy, are you? Honestly, I don't know why I expected anything else from you - hope springs eternal, I guess."

"Know not what you speak of," said I, but my body felt suddenly cold, as if some sudden gust of wind had torn away the blankets, leaving me naked. "Hast news?" Could not be good news, else he would have told me in the morning.

Could not begin to think of news so dire he had felt I ought to hear it here, where I might beg him leave before I would shame myself in front of him by my reaction.

"News to you, anyway." His tone betrayed nothing. "Your sister, at least, is well aware."

Had thought many unflattering things of my sister, but only rarely had I thought her a fool. "She bade you tell me?"

Heard his breath, drawn in quick; had startled him, then. "I guess that serves me right for complaining about your understanding. Yes, Isobel suggested I might seek your company this night."

Did not wish to confess I did not understand. "Oh."

"Your _company_ , Kay," said Murtagh.

My company. Flushed, suddenly, as I understood his meaning, then berated myself, for surely I was mistaken. Were many men better suited, more worthy than me, men who still had their sight, who would be able to please him and entertain him far better than I.

Heard only what I wished to hear, with memories of Gerrard still ghosting through my mind.

"It does seem a little unfair to point out that she will almost certainly kill me if I return to her bed _now_ \- although of course, if she was wrong about your feelings, that might give me a weapon with which to adequately defend myself."

"Canst not want me," said I, so low I thought he might not hear.

"I believe I might offer proof to the contrary, if you're willing to consider arguments. Are you? If you are uncomfortable at any point, just - "

Was difficult, to not see a man and yet find him, but I had grown used to my blindness by now, and also I had the element of surprise on my side. Was strange, to press my lips against another's and not see them, not even in my head, for I had no memory of Murtagh as he might look at me now.

Felt him respond, hesitantly at first, as if afraid there was anything left of me that he might break.

"Am not an innocent virgin in need of your consideration," said I, taking pleasure in how loud his breathing sounded, for all that my own breath came quickly as well.

"Of that, you have me fully convinced," said Murtagh. "May I, then?"

Was tempted to call him a fool that he still felt he needed to ask. "Would that you get on with things, rather than continue this endless talking. Is not my ears I wish pleased by thee."

"I'll take that as a 'yes'. Possibly even a 'please'."

"Hast to do far better to win _that_ from me," said I, feeling, for a moment, whole and unbroken again, as if I might wake tomorrow as the man I had once been.

Murtagh made no reply, merely undressing and slipping into bed besides me, the moment lasting until I might almost believe it would not pass, as I knew it must.


End file.
